Cheery

I don't mean for all of my posts here to be so dour. I seem to write when I'm ruminating over the choices I need to make in my life. I'm actually generally fairly happy. I've enjoyed my experiences here in law school, and I have a great group of friends that I'm fairly certain I've made for life. We make a point of cooking dinner for each other every Thursday night to decompress. I have access to the campus swimming pool, I have a lovely little cottage all to myself, I occasionally have time to paint and bake. I go on mini-vacations, get to explore Eugene, Portland, the Oregon Coast. In January some law buddies and I are going to Vegas. I'm surrounded by witty people who make me laugh. I have my own desk in the law review office (probably one of the highlights of my year, as silly as it sounds!) My life is actually pretty blessed. It's just these damned choices that keep popping up that I feel compelled to document. I'll try to make a point of posting more about the things that keep me going, and that make me happy there are lots of them.

Forks

I got my rejection letter from the WAGO on Sunday. I can't say that I was too surprised. I'm 3 for 3 now as far as the interview to rejection ratio goes. Everyone says, at least you got interviews! It is nice to get interviews, but you know what's nicer? A jobby job. I sent out fifteen more applications last week, so we'll see if anything comes of that. I have a lot to keep busy with in school right now, so it's just good to know those applications are floating around out there in the ether, waiting to capture me a job. I used a different writing sample this time, thinking maybe my writing sample was what was hurting me, though I am pretty sure it is just the incredible amount of competition stemming from the dire state of the economy right now.

This blog has always been about law school, and my legal career, but both of those paths have been inextricably crossed with the paths of my relationships. I'm definitely at a crossroads. I saw the man over the weekend, when I was up in Seattle for a friend's wedding. He admitted that he's still not sure of his decision, that he does like children, that he's having a bit of a midlife crisis right now, and the he still loves me (I admitted I still love him too). We agreed to go to counseling in December, after finals and during winter break. I told him this wasn't going to change my decisions about where to accept a job, that this doesn't mean we are back together - it means that we're at "it's complicated." He needs to get to a place emotionally where he can make decisions about his future. I need to give this relationship a real try - if I didn't, I'd always wonder. Especially since I'm still just as in love with him as I was before I broke it off. But this means the path before me keeps forking. I was beginning to adjust to the idea of going anywhere in the country, but if we get back together I'll be heading back towards Seattle - but potentially after a year or so in a different location. I want this relationship to work more than I can describe, but I also want to be fulfilled professionally, and I'm not sure that can happen if I stay exclusively in Seattle.

Hmm. I hope one day, when I'm established in the world, I can look back at this time of my life and think about how silly all of my worrying was. But right now, it's just making my stomach ache.

Shark

I've been meaning for a couple of weeks to post about how my interview with the Judge in Spokane went. It was such a great interview - one of the best I've ever had. The Judge was kind, personable, and easy to talk to. He went to the same community college as I did at the same age that I went. We talked about LGBT issues and jurisprudential philosophy. The interview was natural and conversational, and the second half of the interview involved speaking with his clerks about their job duties. The Judge did tell me, however, that he was interviewing a dozen people, and that it was the most competitive pool he has seen in recent memory as a result of the economy. I knew it was a long shot if my odds were 1 in 12, but I couldn't help feeling as though I had a chance, since the interview had gone so well.

But.

I got the call on Tuesday that I didn't get the job. I have to admit, I was pretty crushed. The clerk who called left a voicemail, saying that the Judge wanted me to know that he was sure I would have done a great job, that it was a very difficult decision, that they all really enjoyed meeting me. From her tone, it sounded as though I might have been the runner-up. I sent a letter thanking them for the opportunity and letting them know I'd like to stay in the running should the circumstances change. But it is hard to move forward from this. It really felt like this was going to be where I was headed after my hard work in school - an appellate clerkship in Washington for two years with a judge I really liked. But now it is back to applying cold for positions for which I don't have much of a shot.

Alaska also turned me down. Still waiting on the WAGO.

I've missed some clerkship deadlines for places I didn't have much interest in living before I started receiving the steady stream of rejections. I think it is time to expand my horizons - geographically, professionally, personally. I am going to be extending my search to all over the country, not just the west, D.C., and Chicago. And I'm going to look for nontraditional law jobs. I will not be without a job when I graduate - this I vow. I'm thinking about LLM fellowship programs to apply to after a couple years of practice. I am 24 years old - younger than most of my colleagues. I will have a J.D. degree by the time I'm 25. That means I have a sufficient amount of time to achieve something - a job I feel great about, a big case, an additional graduate degree - by the time I'm 30. I need to be the shark. I need to move forward for this to happen. Rejections are going to keep coming - but all I need is that one yes.

Looking Up

Things are starting to look up a little bit on the job front. I got a letter a couple weeks ago from a judge on the Washington Court of Appeals, Division III (which is in Spokane). The letter basically said that the judge had received my application and would be interviewing sometime in October; he would let applicants know if they are selected for an interview. I wrote back a very quick letter thanking him for letting me know what his interview schedule was like. I then got another letter from the judge shortly thereafter, so I figured it was a rejection letter. As a result, I didn't open it for two days. When I did open it, it was an invitation to call his chambers to set up an interview!

The interview is next Tuesday at 9:00 a.m. I'm flying to Spokane from Portland because I was able to get a ticket for pretty cheap, and I'll be able to spend some time with my grandparents, which will be really nice - usually I don't get to see them until Christmas, and even then not for more than a day or so. I also got an email this weekend from the Washington Attorney General's Office - they assigned me an interview time of Monday, October 19th at 3:00 p.m., and are unable to move the time because the schedule is so full. They are allowing me to do the interview telephonically however, which is what I'm going to do since I'm flying to Spokane that evening. Next week is going to be busy, and stressful! But it is really rewarding to know that some of my hard work from last year is paying off in the form of interviews this year. I just need to remind myself that these are interviews, not offers, and it is important to keep applying as a result. But three interviews means three more chances for a job offer.

My worst fear at this point, though, is if Alaska calls and offers me a position before my other interviews, but not a positionat the Supreme Court level (they were interviewing for the Supreme Court, the Court of Appeals (which only handles criminal appeals) and the trial courts). What would I do then? I don't really feel like I am in the position to turn it down but at the same time, what if one of these other two places wants to give me a job? So, I'm hoping one of two things happens: 1) Alaska doesn't call before my other two interviews, so when they do call I can try to figure out if I have some options; 2) Alaska calls and offers me a Supreme Court position before my other two interviews, which I accept and cancel the other two (but still go see my grandparents since I purchased the flight!).

On a completely different note, I have my first real case with the Domestic Violence Clinic - a real client, who has a real need for protection from her abuser for both herself and her children. I'm pretty terrified I'm going to screw this up somehow. But at the same time, it is exhilarating to be doing something real. The hearing is on October 26th. I need to get the ball rolling on prepping my witnesses - that is my other task for this week. This case has made me realize that I don't think I can do this kind of work for a living - my client made some choices which subjected her children to abuse by their father on more than one occasion, and while she's looking out for them now, I did have some trouble dealing with this fact when I first got the case. I realized I'd rather be doing the kind of work I was involved with at the DOJ - taking kids away from parents who are abusive and trying to make sure those kids have a chance at a better life.

Rejection

There is a steady stream of rejection letters coming through the mailbox right now. It is demoralizing to know that they will likely continue with the jobs I'm planning on applying to in the next couple of weeks, since the applicant pool for all of those jobs is so competitive.

I don't get the feeling that the Alaska Supreme Court interview went all that well. It didn't go poorly, but it was only 30 minutes long, and it felt like the Justice talked for at least 12 minutes of that time. I don't feel like I was able to get my personality out, to stand out from the pack. I just had standard responses and standard questions prepared. And he was planning on conducting interviews at eight other schools, most of which are more highly ranked than mine. He said they'd let us know in early- to mid-October.

I'm startying to panic that I don't have a job. I know it is rough out there; I know lots of my fellow 3Ls won't have jobs when they graduate. I know this in my head. That doesn't change the reality that I'm practically praying not to be one of those 3Ls. I need to broaden my scope. I need to accept what is offered to me. I need to stop thinking that a miracle is going to happen. And I need to work harder to get somewhere that I'll be happy with what I'm doing.

Lavender Law; Last Year Apathy; Rain; Interviews

Last week was Lavender Law, the National LGBT Law Conference, in Brooklyn, NY (I attended the same conference last year when it was held in San Francisco). The school was able to send twelve people this year, which was quite a turn out. I figure for $27,000 a year in tuition, I needn't feel guitly for taking advantage of a couple of free trips paid for by the school when the opportunities arise. It was overall a good trip - I didn't get to see as much of the city as I had planned because I was pretty tired for the majority of the trip after taking three connecting red eye flights to get there (Eugene to San Francisco, San Francisco to Chicago, Chicago to La Guardia, van pool from La Guardia to the hotel in Brooklyn). But the panels were inspiring, and I heard several leaders of the LGBT rights movement speak, including Kevin Cathcart (Director for Lambda Legal) and Shannon Minter (Director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights, whom I introduced myself to in the hopes that we can get him to come speak at UO sometime this year). The hotel room was the size of a postage stamp, but it actually worked out okay - I bonded with a few people I hadn't expected, staying up until 2:3o a.m. one night chatting about our futures over cheese pizza. The career fair portion of the conference made my realize more concretely for the first time that I really may end up anywhere in the country now that I'm not focused on Washington state. Before the career fair, this fact had been more of an abstract concept. Talking with recruiters from D.C. made me realize I could really truly end up there, if only for a few years.

I have not gotten a single interview as a result of my applications to federal clerkships, but I'm really not that surprised. A fellow colleage of mine on law review who is higher ranked than I am applied to 200 judges and only got one interview, that's how dire the situation is for third-year law students right now. However, I did apply for a clerkship with the Alaska Supreme Court, and I have an interview with them next week. I'm trying not to get too excited, because the possibility of being hired is still fairly remote, but I think going to Alaska for a year would be the adventure I've been looking for. As my friend L reminds me, I could live anywhere for a year. When I was younger, I used to think a year was an interminable period of time, but now it just races by. If I did get offered a position in Alaska, I would take it in a heartbeat. I don't think they are planning on making any offers until December, but right now I really just need to focus on the interview, for which I'm planning to do copious amounts of research.

It's raining right now - rain makes me feel at home. It makes me miss Seattle. Even though the relationship tie isn't there anymore, Seattle is still my home, and I think it is important for me to be relatively close to it in a few years, particularly as my parents start to get older. But I'm not really in a position to be choosy right now when it comes to accepting positions offered, should I get any offers.

For the first time in a long time, I feel truly apathetic about school, and this concerns me. A lot of the other third years are somewhat cavalier about their apathy, but for me, it's worrisome. School is always something I've enjoyed and at which I've excelled; I know it's our third year, but it isn't normal for me to care so little. I'm not cutting classes, and I'm still doing the reading, but it's been difficult to stay energized and engaged. Maybe somehow I'll find a way of reclaiming that energy as the semester progresses. I'm still struggling with how to adjust my old dreams of my future to the current reality of that future, and it is likely that that is primarily what is affecting me regarding school. Stay focused, self. Don't blow two years of work on the end of a relationship, even if the end of that relationship is validly distracting.

Clerkships

Yesterday, I finished my federal clerkship applications. It was a somewhat arduous task for a job which I likely have an ice cube's chance in hell of getting - but you can't know until you try. A clerkship (working for a judge for one to two years researching and writing opinions and watching trials) would not only be a way of getting better at research and writing and learning the ins and outs of the judicial system, it would allow me to gain a little prestigious real world experience before applying to more long term jobs - and it would allow me to postpone making the decision about where to actually end up, personally, geographically, and professionally, for another year. For federal clerkships, I applied to judges in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, California, Alaska, Chicago, and D.C. - anywhere I could actually see myself living. Because I'm not in the top twenty-five percent of my class (I'm in the top forty), it is possible that more than half of the judges will just chuck my application without reading it. But like my Dad says with regard to job offers: all you need is one.