LA

I'm in Los Angeles right now for the LGBT Moot Court competition. I'm in the process of writing a long post about how the last couple weeks have been, so more will be on its way.

Bankruptcy

Took my Bankruptcy final today. While I don't regret taking the class, because I learned about a process I didn't know anything about at all before taking it, I don't know that I've ever felt so bad about a final before. I ran out of time for the last two questions, so I did a pretty terrible job on them, and there were only nine questions. I didn't feel confident about any of my answers. A lot of my colleagues also said they struggled, but it doesn't feel like anyone did as awful a job as I did. I have another final tomorrow afternoon, and then Wednesday I'm heading out of town. Just stay focused and work through it.

Angst

Angst angst angst angst. I feel anxious of everything. The future - I don't know what is going to happen in any area of my life. Finals - I don't feel like I've absorbed anything about the two subjects I'm being tested on, despite diligently studying for the last week. I want to make something of myself, I want my life to mean something. I'm not sure it will, despite all my efforts. Also, I fear this thought makes me sound like a self-important jerk. Angst angst angst.

PMF

I applied for the Presidential Managment Fellowship a few monthis ago. It is a prestigious program to get positions with the federal government, albeit non-legal positions. I got an email from the feds today - my nomination has been accepted, which means that the next part of the process is to take a test which evaluates my critical thinking skills, writing fundamentals, and life experiences. This last one makes me chuckle. I'm white, young, and middle class. What kind of life experiences are they looking for? I'm not sure what I have to stand out. I'm kind if ambivalent about the program - in some respects, I'd love to work for the federal government, but I'd prefer it to be in a legal position. I have heard that a position through PMF can springboard you to a legal job through a lateral transfer. Turns out I really am broadening the scope of my job search.

Lamplight

I had a lovely Thanksgiving in Portland with my cousins. It is a glorious thing to be related to foodies. My lecherous 94-year-old great uncle was there, singing loudly in Yiddish and making kissy faces at me from across the table. It was, in a word, fabulous.

Now it is time for studying. Finals are a week away. I only have 2 finals this semester, but that definitely feels like enough, particularly since they are back to back (this is the first time I have ever had back-to-back finals). Neither final is in a subject I feel terribly confident about (Bankruptcy and Constitutional Law II), so it is hard to will myself to study when I still feel as though I won't do well.

After finals I am driving to Spokane to visit my grandmother - Grandpa is in the hospital. Then a few days with Avoiding Turtles in Coeur d'Alene at the camp she works at - really looking forward to that, a couple of days of simple living, canoeing and hiking and being unplugged. Then back to Seattle for a few days, then a visit to Portland with my man to visit his best friend's family. I'm really looking forward to seeing those little boys, but sad that I'll be missing the high school group's Christmas party (I had scheduled the visit to Portland before I knew about the party). Then back to Seattle to write a brief for the LGBT Moot Court Competition. I know, I know, I'm crazy, doing another competition - but I get to do it with the same partner I had for NAAC, and I love appellate-level oral arguments, and I'm obviously very interested in this topic, and I get to work a trip to California into the mix.

In the midst of all the activity over break I should be applying for jobs also. At this point, I estimate that I've applied to between 85-100 jobs. I know that people who are more highly ranked than I am (ranking as far as grades go) are also struggling to find something. I am still vowing to find a job before I graduate, but at this point my vow is more of a motivating pledge than a promise which has consequences if broken. Worst comes to worst, I'll graduate, take the bar, and start looking then. It isn't the end of the world, just not preferable.

Cheery

I don't mean for all of my posts here to be so dour. I seem to write when I'm ruminating over the choices I need to make in my life. I'm actually generally fairly happy. I've enjoyed my experiences here in law school, and I have a great group of friends that I'm fairly certain I've made for life. We make a point of cooking dinner for each other every Thursday night to decompress. I have access to the campus swimming pool, I have a lovely little cottage all to myself, I occasionally have time to paint and bake. I go on mini-vacations, get to explore Eugene, Portland, the Oregon Coast. In January some law buddies and I are going to Vegas. I'm surrounded by witty people who make me laugh. I have my own desk in the law review office (probably one of the highlights of my year, as silly as it sounds!) My life is actually pretty blessed. It's just these damned choices that keep popping up that I feel compelled to document. I'll try to make a point of posting more about the things that keep me going, and that make me happy there are lots of them.

Forks

I got my rejection letter from the WAGO on Sunday. I can't say that I was too surprised. I'm 3 for 3 now as far as the interview to rejection ratio goes. Everyone says, at least you got interviews! It is nice to get interviews, but you know what's nicer? A jobby job. I sent out fifteen more applications last week, so we'll see if anything comes of that. I have a lot to keep busy with in school right now, so it's just good to know those applications are floating around out there in the ether, waiting to capture me a job. I used a different writing sample this time, thinking maybe my writing sample was what was hurting me, though I am pretty sure it is just the incredible amount of competition stemming from the dire state of the economy right now.

This blog has always been about law school, and my legal career, but both of those paths have been inextricably crossed with the paths of my relationships. I'm definitely at a crossroads. I saw the man over the weekend, when I was up in Seattle for a friend's wedding. He admitted that he's still not sure of his decision, that he does like children, that he's having a bit of a midlife crisis right now, and the he still loves me (I admitted I still love him too). We agreed to go to counseling in December, after finals and during winter break. I told him this wasn't going to change my decisions about where to accept a job, that this doesn't mean we are back together - it means that we're at "it's complicated." He needs to get to a place emotionally where he can make decisions about his future. I need to give this relationship a real try - if I didn't, I'd always wonder. Especially since I'm still just as in love with him as I was before I broke it off. But this means the path before me keeps forking. I was beginning to adjust to the idea of going anywhere in the country, but if we get back together I'll be heading back towards Seattle - but potentially after a year or so in a different location. I want this relationship to work more than I can describe, but I also want to be fulfilled professionally, and I'm not sure that can happen if I stay exclusively in Seattle.

Hmm. I hope one day, when I'm established in the world, I can look back at this time of my life and think about how silly all of my worrying was. But right now, it's just making my stomach ache.