NAAC

I'm supposed to be working on my brief for NAAC. I've been half-heartedly reading the cases all week. I feel lazy and lethargic. I keep creating distractions for myself. What I'd really like to do is just watch a few mindless hours of Food Network and then go for a walk with my honey. But my case briefs are due tomorrow. Bleh. This ambition thing has its pitfalls.

Finals

Finals are right around the corner. I spent this cold day in my cozy apartment reading the last family law assignment for Monday's final class. Fifty five pages took me most of the day. I'm still reading as slowly as ever.

I'm concerned because I should have begun to felt fear and anxiety by now regarding finals. My outlines aren't done and my knowledge of the subjects is cursory. Instead I feel anxiety about my current job (boredom is the rule rather than the exception) and fear about not getting a decent job for the summer in Seattle. I keep looking at firms online that might hire me and then I feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my abdomen which is the fear of going through the rejection process all over again.

I (sort of) know what I want. I just need to work (harder) to get there. Chugga chugga...

The Trouble with Weekends

Each Friday afternoon, I breathe a heavy sigh of relief and thank any divine power which happens to be in existence for suriving another week while simultaneously composing a list of tasks to accomplish during the upcoming weekend in my head. The List almost always looks like this:

1. Read for the week.
2. Do the dishes.
3. Exercise.
4. Paint.
5. Work on various school projects.
6. Start outlining.

Inevitably, the weekend rushes by far faster than I anticipate and I end up having only accomplished two or three tasks, somewhat half-assedly (for example, this weekend, a load of dishes was done, but two more loads are currently festering in the sink). You might think that with the thousands of weekends I've had over the course of my life I would being to understand how quickly they pass, but somehow there is an automatic reset that occurs on Monday - without fail, I begin to think about how, if I can just make it to Friday, I will have a wealth of undisturbed time with which to attack The List.

Le sigh.

Mom and Dad did come up this weekend, though, so that serves as a partial excuse. It was nice to see them - they are supportive of all my endeavors so it is nice to have the parental recognition of my efforts in person. Now I need to post this entry, shut the computer, and go back to reading, so I can scratch at least one more item off The List.

Path

I am really loving most of my classes this semester, particularly Family Law, Domestic Violence Seminar, and Negotiations. I was so influenced by the panels at Lavender Law about the legal intersections of gay rights, family law and alternative dispute resolution (ADR) that I have decided to write my journal piece about collaborative dissolution in the LGBTQ context. I am certainly on the path to family law, and still happy with that choice. I'm just starting to question the specifics.

There are so many things I would like to achieve with a law degree: on the top of the list is working for securing the rights of same-sex couples on both the state and the federal level. Domestic partnerships (which are currently allowed in both Washington and Oregon) are a step in the right direction, but the law remains unfair until the rights of gay and lesbian couples are placed on the same plain as different-sex couples - marriage. No more, no less. No different names, no different tax consequences, and no reductions of rights.

I would also like to work for children's rights and for bringing collaborative divorces (divorces which use mediation techniques instead of adversarial techniques and very often times reduce the amount of total legal fees) more directly into the line of mainstream practice. The question is, how do I combine all of these interests? More specifically, how do I combine them all while still living in Seattle?

The problem is not so much that there aren't opportunities out there to do all of these things. Probably the best opportunity would come from moving to Washington D.C. and working for a nationally organized gay rights organization - or even to San Francisco, where there are a lot of very prominent gay rights organizations which focus specifically on the intersection with family law issues. However, in the interest of being completely and overly sappy: my heart is in Seattle. When I was younger I thought about moving away for the hell of it, but as I grew older I realized that I am too close to my family to make moving across the country a feasible option without a very good reason to do so. And, of course, there is my man. I honestly want to give myself the opportunity to build a life with him, though there is so much that is still in the air on that one. There are so many things pulling me back to the Pacific Northwest, but I find myself frequently wondering how my professional goals are going to mesh with those pulls. Not to mention how my professional goals are going to help me to get out of debt before I die.

So, in essence: I am happy with the path I have chosen - I continue to feel like it is the path which will be the most interesting, rewarding and consistent with my goals in coming to law school (which were, ultimately, to help those in need of help and to promote positive policy change in line with my values). However, almost half-way through school, I still find myself straining to see specifically where this path will lead me.

Competitor

I just got back from San Francisco this past Sunday, where I went to Lavender Law, an LGBT conference for lawyers and law students. It was amazing, I met so many interesting people and was truly inspired to work for the cause. It also helped me figure out my topic for my publishable piece requirement for law review (everyone on law review has to write a 20 page article with some sort of legal implications and 6 of the articles will be selected for publication): I am going to write on collaborative dissolution in an LGBT context. We stayed in the Hyatt Regency Embarcadero and were essentially waited on hand and foot. I feel quite privileged to have been able to go.

And Thursday was the National Appellate Advocacy Competition. 16 competitors, 4 chosen. Winners go to regionals in Vegas in March '09, after extensive training with a coach and writing of a 20 page brief.

I won. I cannot believe it! Vegas '09 Baby! I hated the anxiety that comes with preparing but I walked out of the court room after my ten minute argument and said aloud, "That was fun!" Maybe I'm starting to hit my stride.

Day Two

The day was going fine until I got a bitchy email from one of my professors. She had sent out an email announcement to the list serve and I missed one of the details in her announcement and asked her about it. Here is her response email:

Dear Katherine,

I debated writing this and decided that I should, in the spirit of being a teacher. I don't mean this harshly, but want you to consider this carefully. You asked me two questions that were already answered in my original announcement, which created a poor impression. I'm sure you dashed the email off without thinking carefully, and that is dangerous. Be aware of the impression you're creating, even with email. It's a tricky medium.

Professor So-and-So

For the record, I only asked her one question which was in the original email, and another question which she still hasn't answered, but seems to think she wrote about in the original email, and therefore feels the need to step on her soap box. Christ, people. It is only day two. Can't being bitchy wait until day three? Not meaning something harshly doesn't make make it any less harsh, especially with so small an oversight. It wouldn't get to me so much if this professor weren't in the department I want to go into, and has already rejected me on multiple occasions. I seem to continually earning myself a spot in her bad graces.

Day one was good, and the rest of day two was good until this. Day three will improve...I think I can I think I can...

Research

I've really been dragging my feet about finishing my research for my professor. I need to write a paper summarizing my results, and read a couple of more law review articles. Why am I delaying this? I kept asking myself. Just spent one solid day tackling it and it will be done, or nearly done. But then I realized - the subject bores me to tears. Sustainability and business practices. Both very important topics to explore and implement if the U.S. is ever actually going to achieve the goals the government seems to imply it is setting for itself. But actually reading the discourse on either subject is unfortunately boring as hell. I thought I would get into it after a while, but if it hasn't happened yet it is doubtful that it ever will. When I first got into law school, everyone asked me what type of law I wanted to practice, and I told them environmental. After all, I liked trees, and politics - mostly it just served to allow whomever I was speaking with to assume that I was a) liberal and b) going into law school for the right reasons. But I've since realized that just because you like trees, doesn't mean you're going to like environmental law. We need good environmental lawyers out there, and I'd like to show my personal support in the future by writing the organizations they work for big fat checks. In the meantime, I've discovered that I find myself drawn to family law everytime it is mentioned. I liked helping people out with custody disputes while I was working at Legal Aid, I love learning about the ways the law impacts a child's life. Hell, I even think divorce is interesting - how can the death of a relationship best be handled so that each party goes away able to start anew? Which is why I decided to give up my slot in the Mediation Clinic to take Family Law. If Family Law is potentially what I want to do with my life, I need to give myself a chance to find out in my second year rather than my first if that is true.

But now, I should really do more research. Truly...

Winding Down

Summer school has officially concluded, though I still have a couple of mini-papers to finish (aka begin writing - research at least has begun) and I need to sum up my research for my professor before I head back to Eugene. I did end up making a couple of friends at UW, but, as expected, it was hard to break in. Seattle is like that.

I've lost 11 pounds. This gives me hope for next year. If I can lose 11 pounds while I'm going to summer school, I can lose 10 more pounds next semester, right? There are times when law school is less about absorption of knowledge and more about time management, like making time for exercise/food/sleep/relationships/farmer's markets in addition to reading about lawsuits resulting from exercise/food/sleep/relationships/farmer's markets gone wrong.

I'm at Trabant, my favorite chai lounge (not just a coffee house!) on 45th in the U-District. Almost everyone around me either has a laptop or a book open, and there is chill music on the stereo. Perhaps I should find a place like this in Eugene to occupy as my office. The chai here is heavenly, though, and I've never found anything else like it.

As much as I have loved living with Ryan, part of me is looking forward to going back to Eugene. Sick, I know, after I bitched about it being full of crazy overly laid back hippies who drive to slow and serve pizza by the slice forty-five minutes after it was ordered while painting untold amount of pizza boxes. But, at UO Law, there is a community, and I'm eager to get started on the professional challenges this year will bring. I'm taking classes I'm interested in, I miss my law school buddies, I made law review, and I get to participate in the mediation clinic. It sounds like a fun semester. And as in love as I am with Queen Anne, there is definitely a sense of impermanence in my current living situation. Were I going to be there longer than three months, I would have spent more time arranging my belongings, but as it is half of my things are still in bags and boxes. I like having my things about me, and I'm even looking forward to feeding the chickens again! I'll always have Seattle, but Eugene, with all of its flaws, has earned a soft spot in my heart.

Summer School

I pulled a shirt out of the laundry this morning to wear under another shirt (layers, you know, are all the rage) and now I smell like the bottom of a backpack, the sort of vinyl + long forgotten beach sand smell. It's not altogether terrible. But there was a reason it was in the laundry.

It's funny to be back in school with a bunch of people I don't know and who are fairly reserved (typical of Seattle). And it is good for me to be spending the summer at UW Law - it confirms the fact that things happen for a reason and I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be. UO is a much better fit. This building, which I once thought grand, is actually quite cold and sterile. The UO building is warm and friendly, with big, comfy looking chairs and a student lounge that you don't need a key card to get into. People hang out and chat, whereas here, I never see anyone until I get to a classroom. I originally planned to try to transfer after my first year in order to be closer to the boyfriend, friends and family but now I know, and I never thought I would say this, but Oregon is where I am supposed to be.

Law Review and Research Assisting

The law review competition is over. I am one of the only people I know who actually completed it (writing an eight page paper and citation checking a twenty-five page law review article), so I'm pleased with that, as it means my chances of being accepted are significantly improved. Today I'm starting my research assistant position - I don't feel like I know enough to do it correctly. But, I guess this is my opportunity to find out. Sustainability, business, tax incentives. I just need to get out the door first.

Queen Anne & Dissatisfaction

I am done with my first year of law school. I am proud of this accomplishment, on some level. At the same time, I feel restless and unsatisfied. It feels as though I have lost my forward momentum - I am unable to self-motivate on this law review competition the way I was through finals when the weight of my grades was crushing down on me. Those grades turned out mediocre - I didn't work my tail off for mediocre grades, so I can't help but feel disappointed. I have one week left to finish the application for law review and because I know that it will get done as all of my deadlined projects have I am unable to focus for long periods of time.

I don't feel like I have accomplished much. Everyone says the first year is the hardest. But there are still two years to go. I feel like two weeks is enough vacation, and I'm ready to tackle the next two years. I hate the in between stage. I feel the need to prove myself - but to whom? And for what?

I will be doing research assistant work this summer, and that too is somewhat self-motivated. I am hoping I will be able to regain the momentum when someone is paying me to perform.

On a positive note, I am in love with Queen Anne. I can't afford it. But I love it here. Relatively quiet, views of the sound and the city, family atmosphere with cute little Mom&Pop shops, but still so close to downtown. Someday I will have money, and I will have a house, and I will have a yard, and a cat or two, and it will still be close to the city, with a view. Maybe.

Bleh.

I didn't make Moot Court.

I don't have a job for the summer.

There are issues I need to work on in my relationship.

I am 23 tomorrow.

Focus

I can't find. It is sunny outside and the 50 pages of Constitutional Law reading I have look considerably less enticing than going for a walk. My parents came to visit on Friday and brought me all of my old Disney movies so watching Beauty and the Beast right now seems equally enticing.

Law school is very much a return to an environment like high school. Everybody knows everybody else's business, cliques form, dislikes emerge. There are lockers and a cafe that serves a different hot lunch every day. But the important difference from high school is choice. People chose to be here, and can choose how much effort they are going to put towards their education or how much time they would rather spend imbibing liquor. I have the choice to enjoy the sunny day for a few minutes and then to get back to reading.

Summertime

And the living is easy. Or at least the potential for it to be easier is tangible, as I will be living with the man in Queen Anne. Top of the hill! I helped him pick out the apartment this weekend when I came up for the career fair. The career fair itself will probably not get me a job, so I needs to go back to lookin'. Hopefully I'll find one that pays. I would love a little income so I wouldn't feel quite so much like the mooch that I will inevitably be living with Ryan. I can do manual labor, i.e. dishes and cleaning, to make up for the lack of funds, I suppose, but it is not the same.

Sunday Mornin'

It has been a good Sunday mornin'. I was going to go buy a suit today for my career fair coming up this Friday, but instead I woke up to three inches of snow. I called my parents and talked to them for an hour, then I made a snow man. Then I walked to the park and went sledding with the neighborhood kids. It is still snowing. There are about five inches now. Good day to stay in, drink hot cocoa, and read about contracts.

Spring Semester Begins

The first day of school was today. I have yet to decide if I like my new professors. My property professor is uncharacteristically perky (I say uncharacteristically because perky is not usually a trait that law school professors possess.)

My grades were very good. Now, I must remind myself that the only reason they were good is because I worked my ass off. Had I not worked my ass off, they would have been poor. I need to be very careful not to get cocky this semester.

I loved seeing everyone over break. Towards the end of the second week I started getting restless, but now that I am back, though it feels good to be working towards my goals again, I need to get used to staying focused for long periods of time again. I can have a day on the weekends to play.

Ryan and I had a chat while I was home. He said that the only thing that he regretted about our age difference is that I still have so much yet to do before I settle down. And he's right - I still have so many dreams. It's led me to reconsider my plans for the summer. I may apply to go to South Africa for six weeks. Seriously. Although it can't hurt to get a head start on finding a job that meshes with my career goals, this is also the time to go and see the world, before I have a long term job, a family, and a mortgage that tie me to one place. At this point I don't know where I will spend the summer, because there is so much in Seattle which draws me back, and so many people I miss - but maybe I could split my time.